Spilling my guts about something that took some pep-talking myself to share...(Spoiler: I am about to get really freaking open and honest)
For as long as I can remember I have had a problem with the way I view myself and accepting myself for the way God made me. The volume in which I talk. The way I feel the need to fill the silence at the end of a conversation with another person when it ends. The fact that as much as I try, I cannot just NOT be opinionated. The painful socially awkward tendencies. The way I analyze and dissect everything about a conversation later if I felt it didn't go 'well'. The authority I feel I need to take in almost every situation when others stand by the wayside. My ridiculous sense of humor. My temper. I could go on, and not in a self-bashing kind of way. Just in a brutally-honest-opening-my-heart-up kind of way. I never was, nor am I now, a sugar coat it kind of person. I am not good at smoothing things over. If I like you, chances are you know it. If I am frustrated, chances are you also know it lol. This, to me, is a blessing and a downfall. I am a GREAT communicator. But thinking before I speak, that has taken some serious time and work (not to mention restraint).
Through the years, I have tried to suppress in my own strength, my self-perceived obnoxiousness. I couldn't pinpoint what made me feel this way or why there was shame attached to it. I recently took a step back and was analyzing some accusations being made about an individual with substantial political power during the election pertaining to sexism. It was like a lightbulb, folks. I started thinking about the influence that our culture has made on the way women are perceived and those particularly who are outspoken. We are painted to be over bearing or "too much" if we so much as bat an eyelash or disagree with someone. I wouldn't call myself a feminist per say, but I definitely would say I am recognizing that concepts such as the glass ceiling and wage gap DO exist. This makes me so frustrated! (And frustrated with myself for being so opinionated that I would have to come on here and rant about it lol). Ah-neee-waaays...rabbit trail...back to the point.
Do you ever feel the need to explain yourself? That is essentially how I feel some of the time. It has been quite a journey to seek inner healing and to find acceptance for myself. My self-acceptance and healing really came when I became a mom. When my child can love me, forgive me, and accept me as it was wired in him to do, and I realized this, was when I became enlightened through the help of the Holy Spirit. It was an automatic connection with Jesus and how He sees me. He designed, and even cherishes, my loud, obnoxious, opinionated self. He shifts my thinking from negative to positive. He loves that my my boldness makes me really good at connecting with others almost instantaneously. He loves that I have a passion to make every woman feel beautiful. He loves that I am honest. He loves that I am excellent at encouraging, which makes me a freaking awesome mom. He loves how I love my husband. He loves how I make time for people amidst my own struggles. He loves that I have a heart for family. He LOVES me, guys. And he designed all these things about me. Can we skip the part where you judge me at this point and label me as prideful and recognize it took a lot of guts to talk about the good that He sees in me? We are calling it confidence! This new thing I am learning about.
Much love,
Shelli
XXOO
