You read that right, STICKERS. If you are a parent or anyone who has looked after a child at one point, you know the drill. Child gets sticker. Child is happy and smiles. Child removes back of sticker. And poof, there goes the shiny (once clean) existence that is your inside car windows. Just like that. JUST LIKE THAT.  Child then makes parent not happy. Car then looks like a teenager in full blown puberty. It’s like the equivalent of zits on your vehicle. I cannot even buy enough Goo-gone to cover all that I have fallen victim to. It’s like my car has a condition. It’s not just car acne. It’s a dermatological car condition because there is no end in sight and no solution. Kids will always want stickers. And they will always get them. Be it in the Trader Joe’s grocery checkout, the dentist, the ER (because I feel like we are there a lot these days) or church. They will find their way into my child's hands. And then inevitably end up stuck to my car windows. It’s the sticker/child circle of life. More coffee...
Now, stickers are not the only thing that I have fallen victim to. Lets talk baths. That's right, I said the B word. I am trying to decide what angle to go at this one-because there is the part where more water ends up on the floor then on your child every. single. time. -or- there is always the one where your kids think it is a slip-n-slide and parents everywhere have a small heart attack imagining getting to know the nurses in the ER even more than they already do. We don't worry so much about the well being of our child more than we do judgement from the people we met the week before there. And our pride. The same pride that is killed each time your kid starts acting like a mini unrefined version of yourself. And that happens every single day. Lord, give me strength.
Moving in the direction of pee. I find pee err'ywhere. By the toilet. In the tub. In floor vents (my children are still not house broken). In the sink. What is actually even going on? I feel like us parents need to be given an award. "Most likely to clean up pee". Meaningless? Maybe. But at least then we would feel like we were getting recognized for all our pee cleaning efforts. Pee happens under all circumstances and almost always *not* at home. Casual play date at a new friends house? *Pees pants* Going to the park with bathroom close by. *Pees pants* On toilet, gets off. *pees pants* You get the picture. Basically, just bring a change of clothes for you and your child everywhere you go until they move out and you should be G2G.
Dare I mention the 'ole finger in any crevice situation? I am going there. I have 2 boys who, when they itch in their little beee-hinds, its like an instant dog poop malodorous scent in my house. Have you ever witnessed this revolting act?! Everyone is quick to congratulate you when you no longer have kids in diapers. BUT, what they should have told all of us naive parents is, "congratulations, I hope you really enjoy washing poopy hands now instead of changing diapers." Okay, that is an exaggeration. But kind of true too. Now people, I don't have a great sense of smell, but I like to say that I have a doctorate in sniffing out poo. A combination of thorough education and hands-on experience (quite literally) make me an expert, of course. I"ll never forget the first time it happened with my first, and I thought someone had stepped in dog poop. I examined all the shoes with no luck. And then it hit me again when my son put his hands up to my ear to whisper a secret and *bam*! *cue all the gag reflexes* Warm breath + lingering poo. Need I say more? There is no level of parenting that could prepare you for that moment. It just kind of comes out of left field and you are left to survive and pretend not to be completely repulsed by your own child. Because the bum pickers have feelings, too. Conveniently, I feel like it never happens near a sink where hands can be washed and sanitized 100x. Whhhyyyyy?! Just...why? Boy moms-you are not alone. I salute you in all your booger flinging, bum picking, fart giggling existences. Its a smelly life for us.
I saved the best for last. Your child's ability to royally piss you off in one moment, and in the next moment charm your freakin socks right off. One time, literally. He took my socks off to rub my feet after a rough parenting day. Like, what am I supposed to even do with that?! Guuuyyyysssss. Kids make us  feel like we need to be medicated, drink 500 cups of coffee while simultaneously cry happy tears from sheer thankfulness. They drive you crazy all day and then you finally go on date night and then you obsess over and worry about them while you are away. Its a vicious cycle. Its a wonderful cycle. And I wouldn't trade it for anything! Cheers to trying to keep our kids alive & surviving all the poop things.
Now, call this what you want-free parenting advice, complaining, stating the obvious. But did you laugh? That was the goal. Laughing makes it better, ya?!
XOXO,
A sticker victim
P.S. Sorry about my getting carried away with gifs. One of my love languages is, in fact, gifs. ;)
