It was a Friday. He came on his own time-even despite our attempts to "evict" him. I remember feeling a wave of relief, a wave of joy. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Unbelievably proud. All feelings that come with being his mom to this very day. This little person who changed so much of who I was and what I was in an instant. He surprised us from the start & has never disappointed.
Strong, fierce, loyal, driven, determined. The biggest heart. The desire to do right. A deep need for quality time & connection. Curious. A warrior, a leader.
This determined & outspoken boy has tested me beyond what I ever thought possible. He has given me an edge. He has pulled out of me what I didn't think was there. He has refined me. A constant mirror, encouraging self-reflection and personal change. He has challenged me. Made me question my perceived "right way" of parenting. Changed my way of parenting. Given me a need to be in constant connection with the Holy Spirit. And above all, he has given me life. Opened my mind to possibility. To the struggle and beauty that God The Father has with me on the daily. And all the same, the fierce love that drives the relationship. An understanding that even when I screw up, God just wants me to come running back. To have my heart positioned toward His. To desire close relationship.
There have been so many moments on my part of feeling hopeless, discouraged, judged, and even scolded in my journey of parenting this "leader" son of mine. So many times I have worried. So many google searches. So many mommy time outs. So many apologies-on my part. So many tears. There is nothing that accelerates your growing up like having a determined child. And there is nothing to make you feel more pride when you start to see change.
Change. At some moments, I have felt this word did not exist in our vocabulary. Slowly, little by little, we see change. And let me tell you, progress and hope are dangerously emboldening. They get me through weeks, months and the years. Progress shows up in the funniest of ways. In a willing bedtime. In an offer to help. In a stand against wrong. In an excellent report from school. In a kiss. In a snuggle session. In a moment of deep compassion. In a compliment from a neighbor on manners.
I will leave you with this; If I had to go through all of it again, I would do it in a heartbeat. It has been one of the most enriching and rewarding things I have ever walked through holding God's hand. And my love for him-its reckless. It could weather any storm. Any challenge. Any disheartening action. Any hurtful words. It conquers.
To all the parents struggling today with a strong minded "leader" kid, be encouraged. Its hard, really hard. Rest in knowing that you have a retirement plan;)
XXOO,
Shelli
aka an underqualified parent :)
