I have been wanting to talk about marriage for awhile. It is something in my own life that I can say I am so proud of-the marriage that I have with Luke. I didn't want this post to come across "know-it-all-y" or arrogant. I simply wanted to share what we have found success in with the hope of encouraging & empowering other married couples. It will be 10 years in May since we were married-we have worked hard to get to a place where we have an amazing marriage. Now don't get me wrong, there have been times when we both would say that it felt like we couldn't continue. When we have felt like it was impossible to coexist so closely with someone. There have been instances when we have gone for a month without being "happy" with each other (sorry-I warned you at the beginning of my blog that I am honest). I wish I could say that it has been without its "bumps in the road", but it certainly hasn't! I have driven off in my car angry with no destination. I have slammed doors. I have used unfair words. I have fought dirty. Spoiler: I AM LIKE THE REST OF YOU! *BUT* I (and we) have always came crawling back asking for forgiveness. This element is truly only possible with the help of The Holy Spirit & in our true commitment to each other. Now that I have made it clear that we have problems that we work through, I will also say that there are many, many things that have kept us together (other than his d*** good looks) & continue to strengthen our relationship & "story". Ready for this? Here we go:
1. Always, always, always put The Lord first & make time to spend time with Him. If He is first in each of your lives (or even one of yours-as we have sometimes taken turns through the years of holding each other up so to speak in this area) then you will respond better when disagreements come, you will function at a higher level of maturity & intimacy and you will literally shift the atmosphere of your home. This can be challenging, especially with young kids, but even to set aside 5-10 minutes & to stay in constant communication with Him throughout the day can make a world of change.
2. Forgive. And then forgive again. Repeat forever. You are each flawed individuals and you will hurt each other. It is what you do with that hurt that makes the difference. Communicate about what made you feel that way. Talk it out! Each person will come into the marriage with baggage & different life outlooks-keep this in mind. When looking at the actual definition of marriage, I can't help but find the 2nd definition even more applicable than the first. Marriage (noun):1. the legally or formally recognized union of a man and a woman as partners in a relationship. 2. a combination or mixture of two or more elements...sounds about right! A mixture of 2 totally different elements to be exact! This will allow for a lot of practice in the forgiving department.
3. Don't kiss and tell. Yes, I am talking about sex! I never divulge specific details about my intimate life with anyone. What happens in the marriage bed, stays in the marriage bed. Period. He needs to trust that I won't talk about this, and I him. Trust is such a crucial foundation for success.
4. Be proactive, not reactive. Buy her flowers. Make his lunch. Go on dates. Ask for help to get away overnight. And don't feel guilty about it for a second! God commands us to prioritize each other over our children. After all, if your marriage is struggling, chances are, everything else is too. So be selfish about this! Fight for time with your spouse.
5. Lower your expectations. You heard me! Go lower your expectations right. freakin. now! Not in a way that damages, but rather in a way that doesn't leave you in a position to constantly be let down by your partner. Men are wired differently than women-and there is fun in that! Just make sure to not resent each other for this. Find the joy in having someone to spend life with who is SO your opposite! After all, where would the fun in that be if you were exactly the same?! Leave room for mystery and surprise.
As a side note, there are times when you need a "middle man" to work things out with both of you. Please, do not let the stigma attached to counseling prevent you from reaching out and getting help. We all have unique challenges and battles that often call for help outside of the marriage. If you are having a hard time, go talk to someone together! So thankful that there are resources out there for those who need it.
As for the rest of you: you have homework! Go get a baby sitter and go on a hot freakin date!!!;)
Much love & blessings,
Shelli
XXOO
Shelli & Luke
